Saturday, May 17, 2008

First's

These days life is good, i mean really good. Sometimes when i experience every day things it feels like the first time. . .

Let me explain

A few years ago, maybe 4 or 5, i was in a VERY dark place. I had graduated from culinary school and was working at the Sea Grill, in Rockefeller Center. It was very very challenging, some nights we'd have over 200 covers (reserved tables). I was working the pastry section, pastry line cook to be exact. Almost every night my skills were tested, some nights i couldn't see how i could make it. But i Did.

Then one day i realized, "I don't know who i am or how i got here". Sounds crazy right? Shortly after that tear-ful epiphany i quit the Sea Grill. It got ALOT darker after that. I felt like the Karim i am, is not me. I felt really lost and not many people understood, i know i damn sure didn't.

When i started digging DEEP within myself i found 3 things.

1. I didn't believe in and was angry at God.
-When i was 13 my Aunt Theresa and Cousin Melissa were crushed to death by a falling building. Walking distance from their house. That hurt me like nothing i ever felt and it was SENSELESS.

IF GOD IS SOOOOO FUCKING GOOD WHY WOULD HE TAKE THEM AWAY FROM ME?
-THEY DID NOTHING
-THEY WERE GREAT PEOPLE
-WHY?
-WHY?
-WHY?

I asked myself this question MANY times and I sometimes still do. . .

2. I missed my father and resented him for not being there for me.
-The mother fucker left me, mommy, and my brothers a little bit after i was born. He even tried to fuck with our papers, so we couldn't come to the U.S. No playing catch, teaching me how to fight or about girls. None of that shit.

Can you tell i don't like him?

3. I believed i was a weakling.
-When i was in high school i got bullied by this kid. He hit me but i didn't hit him back, he had his goons with him and i knew I'd get jumped.
-One late night coming home from work (sea Grill) i was jumped. Just some random ass shit. One minute I'm telling my mom "i just got off the train, i coming hom-" the next I'm being pushed down the train stairs and stomped out.

Did i mention i live across the street from the train station?

These demons were eating me alive, i kept NOT dealing with them till one day i just broke. I wouldn't take my life but i didn't want to be here. I felt so alone.

so...
so...
so...

ALONE.

I started going to therapy and that really saved me. I thought it was gonna be me saying my problems, someone fixing me but you know what, it wasn't.
It was about me learning to
-feel what i felt in that moment,
-being OK with it
-and expressing it to others.

Armed with these new skills, i slowly got out of that abyss.

1. I'm coming to terms with there being a higher power. Maybe it's God Maybe it's not. Some things just happen, it's not my job to figure out why, but it's my responsibility to not let it hold me back and to keep me moving forward.

2. I still don't like my father, FUCK HIM for not being there.
Yes i know
-It's his loss
Yes I know
-If i don't let go/forgive i can't move forward
but
FUCK ALL THAT!

No forgiveness now, maybe on his death bed.

3. The scars still haven't healed but i do see a scab forming. I know that in those situations i made the best choice and that I'm the bigger man but SHIIIIIIIT!
Turning the other cheek is a MOTHER FUCKER.

Now I'm no longer in that dark place and some days i feel like a newborn taking it's first steps.
Sometimes i can't sleep because I'm sooooo anxious about the next day, its crazy.

I just realized that i like Spring.

Life is good

7 comments:

ms. lissa mars said...

aaaaawww things you never know about people until you read their blog....you are such a trooper im proud of you...youre lucky because i had no therapist, i worked through my problems on my own and am still coming to terms with who i am. I still work hard to realize i shoouldnt feel ashamed or wrong for how i feel if im hurting. its a hard place to be but every now and then theres something that tries to drag you back to thet dark place and it takes someone really strong to fight back and my strength is building rapidly and i work hard to build up the strength of those around me (my mom, dad and jessica those closest to me) but it feels really good when you have someone in your corner, so just so you know im in yours and whenever you feel theres something you need assistance with i got you cause youre truly a cool dude

aLwAySz said...

THANK YOU SOOOO SOOO MUCH Mel. Lemme find out we got more stuff in common. All jokes aside, going back to that dark place is friggin scary but its terrifying to be in it. Your a tough cookie for dealing with everything with out a therapist, i commend you. 17 Kudos ;). I'm glad you came out on top, and thanks for being in my corner. I GOTCHA!

ms. lissa mars said...

Anytime..... we do have a lot in common dont we lol its that virgo thing i guess haha.... i know you sick of them niggas big car and watchers either they pimps or they macks or they mobsters.... we gotta just keep being ourselves and then we will be happier because of it

abcdefg said...

disregard that comment on your last blog ;)

it's funny you feel that way, yet, you're so quick to pass judgment on someone else without even knowing their story.
i'm glad you're in a better place now :)

aLwAySz said...

Are you really glad or just being polite?

It's hard to not judge someone when all they show you is one side.

hijklmnop said...

i'm really glad. i don't have to put on a faux polite front on the internet, really.
and why would i want anyone to feel the way you felt? and i'm sorry you feel only saw one side, when from the beginning i've tried to be as friendly to you as possible. remember me trying to drag info out of you like i was pulling teeth when i first met you, when you were being standoffish? i didn't judge you then. i guess you just don't get me, which is fine because most people don't.

aLwAySz said...

Honestly i felt you had your shield up from the begining. Memba wen i we first met and i complemented you on your shoes (tryna make small talk) and you were nonchalant about it, "yeah i don't really like to wear these, it feels like im doing too much" ? I only go off of what other people give me so it's your tit for my tat. I think we both misunderstand each other, but if you are willing i'd like to have lunch with you. We can talk it out and go from there.